(Words) Mother’s Day..Father’s Day…6/24….’Dating’???…. The kids….Life..
First we are gonna get right into 6/24. If you are in the know, (or if you keep reading one), you know that today is Melissa’s birthday. She would have been 36 today. No mention of it ‘around the home’ yet but that’s probably gonna be a discussion later between the children and I. Is it just a normal day? Probably…maybe… in the realms of what the ‘new normal’ is anyway. Not a day goes by where she isn’t thought of so I can’t say I’m thinking about her ‘more’ today than I was yesterday. I’ve decided to make a more concerted effort to perhaps think ‘happier’ thoughts first today but other than that, it is no different. After all, if she were among us, we’d be CELEBRATING….not walking around melancholy. Right? Right. We will see how long that lasts. Those other thoughts probably won’t make it to ‘publication’ right away. If ever. Happy birthday Melissa!!!!
Besides, those thoughts were dominant on the respective ‘parental’ days. Those days were probably a tad bit harder as everyone who knows me is acutely aware of her absence and did what people who ‘care’ do. They reached out. No harm in that either. Really. What, you thought I was going to start ‘snapping on folks’, didn’t you? LOL.. Naw…Not really. That’s later..maybe.. if I let the feelings really bleed into my font.. I just really wanted to take the time to thank everyone who reached out. I tried to get back to you all in the days that passed but if I didn’t, it isn’t because I didn’t ‘care’. It was because JUST THAT MANY PEOPLE REACHED OUT and for the sake of KEEPING MY SANITY, I did what I could that day(s) and stretched out the thank yous and whatnot. I will say this.
Yes, I am the only parent.
Yes, there are times when I have to be ‘good and bad cop’.
Yes, she is gone.
Yes, we will still keep going.
Whatever that makes me in your mind as far as the ‘parent’ thing goes or whatever you feel as though you should say to me on EITHER DAY that is positive is something that I will graciously accept. My own feelings are this though.
I am their Father and their parent. I’m just doing what a parent would do. Gender be dammed. That’s it. That’s how I was raised. That’s how I was taught. It is what I know to do. I’m just trying to do it to the best of my ability. With the support of those around me who are involved. Thank you to you by the way!
I miss the guy who helped me know what that is like to be a real parent. Love you Daddy. I miss it all. We are ‘kinda’ alike (Stop laughing..YES YOU..YOU AND YOU.. I know we, are VERY MUCH ALIKE..), so yeah, we clashed. As the years went on though, that happened less and less. It was a very dope relationship when you left here back in 2011 and for that I am grateful. You left a void that I can feel every time I go see my Mother or hear her voice. I feel it when I walk into that house. It is hard to go there honestly if we are keeping it all the way real. I go though ’cause she is there.
I actually commend my Momma for staying there even if it was at my behest at first. She could have moved. Easily. No one would have blamed her. It has to be hard. I wanted to think that I could have stayed in my home after Melissa died but the trouble that I had sleeping in YOUR HOUSE for that month and a half I stayed there with my Momma after you passed let me know otherwise. It was ultimately the reason I decided to move my kids and I out of our house. I didn’t want them to suffer through anymore obstacles in their healing. I felt like I should stay out of some sort of ‘punishment’ for not doing more but ultimately decided that it would punish my kids in the process. See…you are STILL TEACHING…PROVIDING… GIVING GUIDANCE. Even when you are not here in the physical. Maybe one day, I can do that for my kids. Miss you Daddy.
Yes, you saw the words ‘punishment’ in that last paragraph. Yeah, I still feel that way sometimes. Yes I know, it’s not my fault. Doesn’t stop it. May never stop it. All I can do is keep working through it…..
Speaking of working through it.. The part SOME OF YOU have been waiting for. Some of you are nice enough to just ask and KUDOS TO YOU FOR HAVING THE GUTS MAN. It is pretty funny watching some of you ‘waltz’ your way to the question…
Are you dating?
Ummmm…. I dunno if EYE (I) would’ve called it that. My middle daughter calls it that though which has led to some REALLY DEEP CONVERSATIONS THAT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE ANYWAY.
At first, it was kinda hard to get back into that flow. Remember, I was a MARRIED MAN and while I am CERTAINLY NOT PERFECT, there was (AND QUITE HONESTLY STILL IS..JUST TEMPERED BACK A BIT) A STANDARD OF HOW I TREAT FOLKS.
*Whispers* Everyone isn’t worthy of that so of course in TRUE NEGRO FASHION, I WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE LEFT. *gasps*
For a little bit.
Not too long.
But it happened.
I was ‘hard on ‘em’. Super hard. I don’t regret it though because most folks who REALLY TRIED TO GET CLOSE TO ME AT THAT TIME didn’t have pure intentions. Lets just call it what it is. I was ‘hurt’…not STUPID. Besides…I was (am..whatever) ‘free’ for the first time in a LONG…LONG..LONG TIME..
The ones that had ‘good intentions’ knew that this might be ‘their chance’ so again, while I wasn’t stupid, I was still hurt. So yeah..they got to be around for a bit. No biggie. To me anyway. You knew you put your bid in WAY EARLIER THAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO THOUGH. You gotta accept that. Had that been somebody else, you would have called them all types of names and it would be all types of ‘I told you so’ talk. I was VERY NICE AND VERY HONEST.
Speaking of that…
…Honesty….I think enough of you have read the blog. Followed me on Twitter. Facebook. Whatever. Some of you KNOW ME IN ‘REAL LIFE’. I’m the ‘Don’t ask him if you don’t want his truth’ honesty person..
Very honest. TOO HONEST according to some. Never HEARD OF THAT SHIT….Who is TOO HONEST? I kid you not, I had one specifically tell me…
“You need to learn how to lie.. I really didn’t want to know that she was over… Make me feel better..”
How’s that song go? @ It ain’t nothing to cut that…..
Yeah. That. Happened. That. Night. Straight home. “Her order is to go… CHECK!!”
Now here I was exhibiting a trait that THIS PARTICULAR PERSON (I won’t make her the spokesperson for all women..I will just speak on what she said SHE WANTED OUT OF A MAN..) said she wished more folks would show*** and I got told I was being too honest? *Record Scratch* See, I’m a vet. I can run the route tree. I can’t catch the ball though if the quarterback has no accuracy though. Gotta throw a catchable ball. @ knowing what you want. Out here calling for ‘go routes’ but your range is 25 yards? Naw.. @ asking me some shit like that like I was gonna lie.
So yeah…I’m kinda ‘out there’…dating as my daughter calls it. Slowly. Got to see that nothing has changed really except for my position in this one. Had to establish a ‘new cutoff’ age though. I’ll spare you the fake Maya Angelouesque sayings and just say that age doesn’t ‘totally’ rule you out but it has to be taken into account. Coupled with ‘Life experiences’ and such of course.
So all you young bols have no worries. I don’t want your women…This isn’t ‘class’. I’m not here to teach ‘Intro To Having A Real Relationship’ 101. Nope. School in THAT SENSE ANYHOW, is over for me B. Sorry (not sorry) if that comes off a certain way.. Very NICE TO LOOK AT THOUGH. I will still keep liking the ‘gals pics who you lust after’ on Instagram though. I wouldn’t worry too much about me if I were you. I’m too honest it appears. Washed…whatever you kids are calling it nowadays… I’m probably gonna talk to her Momma or her Auntie tho!* The object of your desire might even think she wants me, till she gets to know me. You are safe… *chuckles*
The one thing I’ve tried not to do throughout this whole new time period is let her loss jade my way of thinking when it comes to finding or at least ‘exploring’ the possibilities of thinking that something great in the way of a relationship could happen for me again. It is HARD as you can imagine. Some would say I succeeded. Others wouldn’t. I’d say I’m still working on it but I can CLEARLY SEE IF THE RIGHT PERSON CAME ALONG, IT CAN BE DONE. So in that sense, I’m really no different than anyone else. My obstacles are different of course but my bottom line is not. Convincing someone of that is a challenge. MANY..MANY..MANY HAVE SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. Hell, some have even done ‘some of the right things’. To this point, almost all have failed to grasp just how difficult it is EVEN TO GET PAST EVEN AS MY MINDSET GETS PROGRESSIVELY BETTER EVERY DAY. Especially anyone trying in the early stages… Not to say I have no ‘blame’ in things. i’M A 100% HUMAN AND NOT WITHOUT FAULT. Not saying that. I know where I could have done XYZ. All I am saying is that I’ve been upfront about what I can and cannot give at each given time. Or as upfront as one knowing what they want allows you to be that is. I cannot ‘force’ things to be a certain way if I’m not feeling it. Not faking it for anyone.
The most I usually say up until this point is ‘We will see..” when asked about ‘the future’.
Some have taken ‘We will see’ as a ‘He’s ready to be in a FULL ON RELATIONSHIP”
No. Those that may have done that and I didn’t realize it right away often get …for lack of a better word.. corrected. It means JUST THAT. We will see. ANYBODY THAT HAS TOLD ME THE SAME I HAVE TAKEN THEM SAYING THAT AS JUST THAT. Not sure why that is such a hard concept to grasp. Maybe it goes back to the honesty thing. I don’t know…
Some have taken that same “We will see’ as I am not interested at all. I am interested. I’m just not out here promising marriage or whatever dumb shit folks are promising. It means….wait for it… WE WILL SEE. Lets get to know each other. If it evolves into something.. GREAT. Lets do it but lets wait for it to evolve. Lets not ‘script it’ ’cause that’s what we ‘think we need to be doing’.
Does that sound ‘wish washy’? Yeah…probably….I dunno.. I don’t see anything wrong with admitting that is where I am at with it. On either side. Maybe more folks should do that instead of saying or telling people what they want to hear. Naw.. that’s too much like right though..
Then there is my favorite.
Look man, I’m not out here to be guessing whether you like me or not. Sorry. I don’t do ‘hints’ very well. So if you are ‘throwing hints’ at me, I’m probably not gonna catch ‘em. Oh now I can ‘catch them’ for EVERYONE ELSE THOUGH. I would be able to tell you REALLY QUICK if someone else liked you in that way by their actions. Why? ‘Cause it’s not my ass on the line. lol That’s why. I’m cautious when it comes to me though so I’m not about to be out here guessing. Nope. Sorry. I don’t like being wrong. Sue me.
I am also not about to be out here doing things ‘just ’cause I like you’ either. If I do something, I do it ’cause I want to and that’s it. No strings. I probably shouldn’t assume folks do the same but that’s my ‘approach’ to anything that is done. I don’t assume pretense. It is bad business and a VERY EASY WAY TO BE ‘WRONG’.
Aight.. enough about me.. in that way. That should satiate some of you in that fashion for a bit..
The kids? Wonderful works in progress. My oldest is DRIVING. (I’ll give you a moment…) Yeah. I now have TWO TEENAGERS OFFICIALLY and a Seven year old who seems to think she is Twenty-Seven… They are working towards their own happiness in their own Worlds.. Finding their own outlets. Their own interests. Involved with their own activities. Slowly healing. Tears less frequent. Hugs EVEN MORE FREQUENT.
Life? It’s going along. Like it always does. Found a new stroke but the old one is incorporated in it. Ya know what I mean?
*Lot of tongue in cheek up there but in all seriousness, I did have to start taking in account that I am in a different space than a lot of the women that I was meeting. Whether they wanted to ‘admit it’ or not, even IF WE GOT ALONG GREAT, long term, it would not work. I, even when not looking long term, still have to think LONG TERM ‘CAUSE I HAVE KIDS. Yes, I need to be happy. So DO THEY. So does the other person. If it looks like it won’t fit for the long haul then I gotta opt out. Just how it goes. Very interesting that I can’t say I didn’t ‘see that’ in a few situations but the other person couldn’t so I had to let it ‘be’. There’s an explanation for a few folks here in this. No names though.
***In addition to being myself might I add.