(Grown Folks Talk) Email answers, Nightmares, questions and sleeping…
Been awhile since you have heard from ‘me’ I know. I would apologize about that but I have a pretty good pulse on my MAIN readership and I know that you guys more than understand.
To my ‘newer’ readers, you know those of you that I have met in the past year or so who got kind of ‘spoiled’ by the inundation of posts that were coming out fast and furious early in the process of my journey, the absence of posts may seem ‘odd’. Go back and read the first few posts I made when I started ‘sharing’ about my wife’s death. You will see that even in the face of the daunting task that is ‘moving on with Life’, I knew it would wane off. If no more because I WOULD GET TIRED OF THE REPETITIVE NATURE of that of the different stages of this LONG PROCESS.
I will reiterate though that the vast majority of my posts are SUMMARIZED VERSIONS OF POSTS THAT AREN’T REALLY MEANT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION…
(Whispers) In English, SHIT I’M TRYING TO KEEP TO MYSELF ’cause well…. it is gonna do NO ONE ANY GOOD. Or AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF UNTIL I GET A pang of pain, a letter/email/tweet/dm/text, asking me to help SOMEONE ELSE who may or may not be going through emotional pain on ANY SIDE OF THE EQUATION. Be it their spouse, their Momma, their friend, their BOSS…..THEM. Then I may either pull out those things that I thought would be of NO USE to someone and send it to them personally or feel compelled to write about and PUBLISH IT HERE if the ‘demand’* dictates that should be done.
Will this post turn into such a session? I don’t know..I have thoughts and I just intend to let them flow… I have no more decided whether to publish this post than any of the others… Clearly if you are seeing it, then just like the others, I decided to let it fly out of the drafts…*shrugs*
What would you tell Melissa ‘now’ about things if you could talk to her?
I have to tell you, this is the NUMBER ONE QUESTION folks have for me. Well a variation of this question. Sometimes it doesn’t come out in this head on form but it is pretty much understood that folks want to know. I don’t usually ask folks ‘why’ they are asking either ’cause I can tell the difference between genuine interest and a ‘nosy mofo’ as those who are truly interested volunteer why they want to know PRETTY QUICKLY.
‘Cause they know it is painful and at least have the decency to wait to see if I want to ‘discuss it’. Anyhow..
I always told her that she was valuable, needed and wanted but if I could talk to her right now…
You were never not ‘needed’.
You were never not ‘valued’.
You were never not ‘appreciated’.
I would start there. Of course there are some other SUPER PERSONAL things I would say to her too but the premise would be just those simple things. Of course telling one that isn’t usually enough. Showing them GOES A LONG WAY.
It still may not be enough though. Let me be frank..
It isn’t enough sometimes. It just isn’t. I wish there was something ‘special’ I could say that would answer the question for the literally tens to hundreds of folks who ask me…(One day I will publish a screenshot of my EMAIL FOLDER where folks stumble across the blog and ask me questions in regards to depression/suicide/etc. It is insane @ the amount I get…It is also fair might I add. I put it out there…IJS)
I don’t think I can. I can give you insight on how it would feel for the folks you are leaving behind though. That’s all I can do. Maybe that is enough. I can only hope that is enough. I can only hope that seeing the stories about me having to answer questions are enough… Matter of fact, I have a really short one that I haven’t shared here..It won’t take long..
“MOMMY……” *TEARS*… It’s about 12:30ish AM about two weeks ago and I am KNOCKED OUT.. I’m awakened to hearing the youngest running around the house, frantically looking for…
Her. Then LOOKING FOR ME to console her but she can’t find me.
Why can’t she find me? She can’t find me because for the FIRST TIME IN ABOUT A YEAR, I have FINALLY DECIDED TO SLEEP IN MY ROOM. EVEN IN A NEW HOUSE, I couldn’t sleep (for the night) in MY OWN ROOM. Too many familiar things there. Furniture… clothes…pictures.. even the TV (Which was a wedding gift.) Couldn’t do it… So the kid, not KNOWING THAT I AM NOT IN MY USUAL spot, which is downstairs by ALL THE ENTRANCES SO I CAN HEAR FOLKS IF THEY GO OUTSIDE**, is IN A PANIC. Now she’s screaming my name..
I get up of course and go find her. She can’t sleep in my bed… We aren’t doing that. So back on the couch we go…
RESET. @ progress made by me but a WIN AND PROGRESS FOR HER.
I did eventually make it back to my room that night as it was the ‘principle’ for me. It needed to happen. I needed to at least put forth the effort and work through some things. @ my return to my room that night.
We talked and I held her. I didn’t ‘tell her it was gonna be alright tonight’. ‘Cause it wasn’t going to be. She missed her Momma. Don’t have that one in The Bag of Daddy. Just have being a Daddy is all I have…
It is the FIRST TIME IN MONTHS… almost a year…that’s she cried about her Mother and it is the ABSOLUTE first time she expressed herself in that manner about her Mother PERIOD.
Shared that story not so much for me…but for YOU. Yes, YOU… The (counts the email/dms/texts) thirty of you who pretty much asked the same question VERBATIM since you have folks who depend on you.
No chiding over here by the way. Simply sharing the story. Do as you will with it. @ how that plays out in your World with your kids and your situations. Understand that I know that your kids HAVE KEPT YOU GOING AT TIMES. I KNOW THAT. Others may not understand that of course but those who are with you, ARE REALLY ‘WITH YOU’ and they understand that. You HAVE TO LET THEM IN and help. Even it hurts TO LET THEM HELP. Hell, ESPECIALLY IF IT HURTS. That means you are hurting FAR MORE THAN EVEN YOU WANT TO ADMIT and you need it. Let them do it. Don’t shut them out. Don’t hide it from them. Don’t be ashamed of them thinking of you as some ‘failure’. They ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE STRONG.
I do have this to say to the ONE PERSON IN PARTICULAR whose circumstances are eerily similar to mine. You can’t leave. You know what it will do if you do. It was done to you. Find a way. I honestly don’t care what that way is nor will I judge you for it. Just find a way. You are their best hope at success. You know it. I know it. You are the ONLY ONE LEFT. You HAVE TO. It is just the way it is.
Hope this helps someone… That’s all I ever hope with these really. That and some clarity for those who are concerned about me. My children included as one day they will look at these postings and won’t have to ‘wonder’ what was on their Daddy’s mind.
They can just read it.. Of course I tell them now but having seen someone who struggled with the adversities that they will SOON FACE remember things through the MIND OF A CHILD, I thought some clarity would be in order. So I do this for them too.
*Demand = MORE THAN FOUR FOLKS ASKING PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING…
**I’m now the only adult in the house AND it is relevant to her suicide @ how things went down…