web analytics

Walking The Walk With A Person Who Is walking THAT WALK..

As many of you know, my wife passed. Here is a peek into things.... More »

 

(Words) I thought I would want to watch the last grains of sand disappear in the hourglass…a doorway…

My last two losses in my life I was ‘around’ in body for those last grains of sand… I saw them cascading down to the bottom of the hourglass..I was in a bit of denial about it though I think. I had conditioned myself well….resigned to myself to think of both situations as optical illusions.

As the sand slowly disappeared from the top….

…I’m here again… The sand is disappearing. Oh I get mad at the sandholder… well maybe not mad…more like irritated as I can feel her struggling with going on to see my Father and Jane and staying here with my kids and me.** It is clear. I wish I could tell you that I had a ‘different’ approach for her. I don’t. This is something that I’ve had thoughts/dreams/etc about like I imagine every mere mortal who has a parent has had. I have it all compartmentalized knowing DAMM WELL that all of that is gonna be for naught the day she isn’t here to ask me answers to questions that she ALREADY KNOWS THE ANSWERS TO.

When she goes into the stories that I’m quite frankly tired of rehashing. When she goes into a mode that my 7 year old goes into when she ‘wants something to happen’.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT…- You are saying to me as you read this… You can enjoy her now…

What is it you think I’m doing here? I’d rather give her props NOW….while I can put this laptop I have in front of me in her face so she can read it then wax on about (Like I’m gonna do anyway…) when she is not. What you are asking is EXACTLY what I am doing. So while I’m feeling this way pretty much on the regular as she is visiting me, this is but a mere moment. In a minute (it is 2:16 pm) right now..), I’m gonna get back up and finish making her the grits, fish and eggs she asked for and hopefully TODAY we will make it somewhere that she wants to go.

In this moment right now though, I had to get it out…

So here it is….

I’m just acknowledging what I wish I would have acknowledged a little more before..

The sand is moving…. and I’m trying to see each particle of it as it cascades down….

December 31st, 2013:

Your stuff is still here….in what is now just ‘my room’… I can’t move it. I haven’t found any reason to move it. Beginning to wonder if I ever will find one… Don’t know how well that’s gonna work out for future ‘endeavors’ but they will deal I guess… Miss you. Last year, I wasn’t up here and our good friends The Foreign Exchange were nice enough to give me a place to ‘be’ on that night. What a dope night it was too.

I’m forever grateful to them for that as I don’t know how I would have dealt with this day. As I was used to spending it SOMEWHERE WITH YOU. Alone mostly but ALWAYS with you.. and our kids of course. :)

This year I know folks are gonna say you are ‘still’ with me and I definitely understand what they mean. I’m gonna ‘deal with it’.. Like I’ve done the countless number of other things that I don’t post about or write about. This one just had to be said though. So I’m saying it. I saw a picture of a hallway today that I KNOW you walked down numerous times.. It was dark..Exit sign lit up.. I can’t help but think that you walked down that same hallway one last time knowing IT WOULD BE YOUR LAST TIME.. Maybe that’s what moved me to finally write this… I would never ‘out’ the person who put that up on their instagram ’cause I don’t want them to feel like they can’t post pictures up of their place of employment without worrying about how I feel… I’d like to thank them though ’cause I probably just would have carried these words on into the night and who knows what would have happened.. Might have done some stupid shit… Who knows?

Who knew a simple picture of a doorway would do that?

Still wish you were here like I WANT YOU TO BE HERE. No changing that. Love you.

Mark

Leave a Reply