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Walking The Walk With A Person Who Is walking THAT WALK..

As many of you know, my wife passed. Here is a peek into things.... More »

 

(Words) Year One…. I never knew this would happen…

December 3rd 2013…. I think if you would have asked me if I would still be here this time last year I would have given you a resounding ‘Why WOULDN’T I BE?”. Not because I wasn’t affected by what had just happened a few weeks prior but rather I was a lil naive to the just EXACTLY what I would be facing. Let me rephrase. I was ill prepared to realize the MAGNITUDE of what has become ‘my’ journey. You see, at that point, I was still wearing my wedding ring. I was still moving like a person who was married to someone who was no longer with us. Only I thought that during this time period a year later, I wouldn’t be moving like that.

I’m better but this process is just.. ugh.. Parts of the old me are back. Parts that I had honestly put ‘away’ as a married man are back. The problem is, I don’t wanna be doing none of this shit. None of it. I didn’t sign up to do this parenting thing by myself. Alas, here I am though. Doing it day in and day out pretty much myself. ‘Cause I have to. So as a result, the ‘rest of my life’ goes as I see fit. Pretty sure folks would ‘frown’ upon it but I have to do what I have to ‘make it’ man. That’s just the honest truth. I want to give up WAY MORE than I’ll ever really let folks know but I GET UP EVERY DAY ‘CAUSE OF THOSE KIDS MAN. Not the ‘wheels’… not the basketball.. hell..not even for my Momma who is living at this point. I get up for those kids. ‘Cause JUST LIKE ME, they didn’t sign up for this. This is just their situation and they gotta deal with it. I was put here to help them obviously ’cause this is the hand we gotta run the table with.

So onward we go….

Melissa Jane, I remember the last real live ‘discussion’ we had and you asked me why or how I dealt with the situation at hand. It’s cause I knew that without you, this is how it would be. This was exactly the Life I didn’t want. I could see it. I told you about my dreams and fears…. and damm if I didn’t wake up one day and that shit came true…

The John Legend song kinda sums up why.. It is thoughts like these and the memories that probably bother me the most. I almost wish I ‘didn’t know’. Ya know?

The recurring dreams.. The ones where she is talking directly to me. Explaining herself. Those are just… Yeah…. They always pick right back up where they left off too so it is almost like they are my ‘thoughts’ just coming in dream form.

The texts I get from my kids when they ‘get home from school’ or when they get back from somewhere and I’m not ‘immediately’ available. That tremble I hear in their voice. I can tell they are taken back to that day every time they don’t ‘see me’. That is SUPER DIFFICULT. I see tears in their eyes that to the average stranger would seem to have come out of ‘nowhere’. I know where they come from though. I see them paralyzed with the pain. The same pain I watched her get paralyzed when her Life would flash before her eyes and the pain would wash her away. I feel like I’m starring in a sequel sometimes. It amazes me, shocks me, makes me cry, makes me proud to have known her and proud of her for having held on as long as she did, makes me angry at those whose actions dictated things to the point that my family as I knew it is broken and all sorts of emotions.. all at the same time. That’s just from looking at MY KIDS go through it..

My emotional unavailability in regards to certain situations ’cause of just how broken this situation has left me is just… I kinda don’t want to give anyone ‘that’ again.. I haven’t ‘changed’ completely but I surely am not ready to hand that over. I’m just truly not ready to ‘give a shit’ to the point that one would probably need me to and I may not ever be honestly. Sure I will function but ‘pushing me’ to feel? Naw.

The simple day to day shit is trivial. I can handle that. Hell, I was doing most of that anyway when you were here. It is the rest.. I don’t think you really you understood how much..

It is this process….. I’m pretty much Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam’d to some of it but other parts of it are so raw that I dare not let anyone even be around when I’m dealing with ‘em. It is why I had to stop ‘writing’ about this for a minute. It hurt that much to write about it and I certainly didn’t want to make myself look like some attention whore about the situation. It is just that there’s no where in my Life that this hasn’t permeated. Things I HADN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF. Silly things. Small things. Songs.. places… stretches of road… food.. Yeesh.

Big things that I thought ‘were all mine’…nope.. those too.

I’ve gotten ‘great advice’, no really it is great advice, about starting new traditions and such. I know why it is said. In theory, it sounds BEAUTIFUL. You do something new and you have a new memory.

Easier said than done. Things are still ‘new’ even though it has been a year.

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