(Words) While today is “World Suicide Prevention Day” it is EVERY DAY FOR ME..
I know that some of you have GOT TO BE THINKING?
“Why does he write this stuff?”
It isn’t for you…. I mean, it CAN BE if you want to use it as a tool to help understand the situation if you are close to it but this is for me. I have to let it out. It needs to be said. It needs to be archived. As I’ve stated in the past, what looks like me sharing EVERYTHING is in reality me sharing .005% of things. I could write EVERY DAY..EVERY HOUR….. DIFFERENT THINGS about this situation.
I don’t have time to do that though honestly. I actually have to DEAL WITH THE THINGS AS THEY COME UP so I can’t hold the camera and live it too (That was said BEFORE DRAKE BTW….you should look it up… No really.. go look it up..)
Anyway, as you can see up top, today ‘was’ a prevention day for Suicide. Across the World. Somewhere, someone is sitting at their keyboard, in their bed, at their loved one’s last known location or wherever they are, mulling over their loss.
Trying to figure out how they can go on.
Knowing that they couldn’t have ‘done anything about it’ yet replaying those last days…hours..minutes… before their loved one decided that this was it. Wondering what they could have done.
Some of those folks are caring for children like me. Dealing with the memory of their loved one BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES ON A DAILY BASIS. Mannerisms and such.
Some of them are dealing with the pain that they don’t even have THAT TO CARRY their loved one’s memory on. Wishing they had just one LIVING REMINDER of their loved one.
To any and all of you, I can honestly tell you…
I KNOW… I JUST KNOW….
I know you’ve probably considered it yourself at some point as the pendulum of Life seems like it will NEVER NOT BE IN THE NEGATIVE AGAIN. As the responsibilities, the tasks, the HEARTACHE, the memories and all the things that this situation entails COME CRASHING DOWN AT THE MOST INOPPORTUNE TIMES. Mostly together.
You gotta keep going.
Maybe for you.
Maybe for your kids.
Maybe for your lost loved one who knew you could even when they no longer couldn’t.
Is that fair? Naw. It isn’t. One day, I’m gonna go in depth about just HOW UNFAIR it is but today is not that day. It just isn’t.
I told you I knew didn’t I? I told you “I knew how you felt..”
What you thought because nary a disparaging word has been uttered in the posts about Melissa that you’ve been privy to see published that I don’t feel the ‘rage’ or the anger that some of you feel? Naw….
I do. Difference is though is that I loved her and I knew her struggle first hand on a day to day so it gives me the strength to look that rage in the eye and say ‘It’s not about you B…It was about her.. She couldn’t help it if she tried..” You see I had the ‘why’ living in my midst so I don’t have those questions. I know why…
That’s the difference. You too will get there if you have to deal with this situation on the side that I am dealing with it on. It may take you longer. But you will.
If you are not on that side you may NEVER GET IT. And that’s okay too. As long as you don’t bring it to me or my kids we are cool.
You see ’cause I don’t need you to ‘remind me’ of how ‘selfish’ of an act you think this shit was. I’m living it B. I’m gonna end it with an example of something that happened NO LESS THAN 15 MINS BEFORE I SAT DOWN TO WRITE THIS POST.. As I was putting my youngest gal to bed…
Her: I think I am going to go to the counselor today as I feel most comfortable going on Wednesdays. I don’t miss much from school those days and I only go in the morning.
Me: When you go what do you talk about?
Her: Mommy of course but we talk about you. I worry about you ’cause of Mommy not being here. I know you are gonna be okay but I wish I could help…”
Me: You just did… *kisses her goodnight and walks outta the room*
She is finally talking about it… At 6 years old, she has to process this. I think that about covers any reminding that one would think I would need no? And that’s just HER. We won’t speak on the other two tonight..
You don’t have to remind me B. Believe me.
World Suicide Prevention Day is every day.. around here…