web analytics

Walking The Walk With A Person Who Is walking THAT WALK..

As many of you know, my wife passed. Here is a peek into things.... More »

 

(Words) Who Knew That The ‘Cost’ Of Having My Dreams Come True Would Be ‘You’

As the Five Star song goes… “We used to be together…making dreams….making plans..” Building together.

But instead of you ‘leaving that love behind’, I’m the one who is ‘left behind’. With thoughts of forever..

The dreams are starting to fill in nicely. One by one. Piece by piece…

That lingering pain though….I’d undo EVERY DREAM…If it meant the end of the pain. If it would make it cease.

The phrase ‘I would give it all up if I could have you back…” is no longer some far off destination..

Always ‘understood’ what folks meant. NEVER THOUGHT I’D FEEL IT TO THIS EXTENT. With NOT ONE BIT OF EXAGGERATION.

Irreplaceable even among all of one’s flaws**

Missing those morning goodbyes… those “I’ve worked 17 hours and I’m the last one leaving the building’ calls….

The kinda calls where I would always have my shoes on…keys in hand. Waiting to hear your car pull up in the driveway…

Knowing I KNEW YOUR SECRET… Knowing that I was helpless and knowing there was a chance you would end all on the highway.*

The cost of having my dreams come true in many senses has cost me YOU and I don’t know how to ‘fake’ not having that impact my soul and the way I move

I mean maybe I’m OVER ANALYZING THINGS… Looking too hard……All I know is that on November 19th, 2012 something did ‘Disturb This Groove’..

I gotta stop….. I’m sorry… I have more… it hurts too much to continue writing.. I may share the second part later… I had to get this part out now though.. I know that in the coming weeks…days even…as things ‘progress’, I may be looked at as ‘together’ too by folks that well…flat out don’t understand. I also know there are SOME FOLKS who will ‘know better’ and there will be no use in even trying to fool them. They know the pain and the things that come along with situations like this. I watched them go through it albeit in a different capacity. So I’m gonna thank them IN ADVANCE for what they are going to say ’cause they are right…

“It still hurts…”

No matter what you see me in. No matter where I live. I still have to LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT THE PERSON I WANTED TO SHARE ALL OF THIS IS GONE. I’ve learned more about the word ‘bittersweet’ than I EVER CARE TO KNOW. Never have I laughed/smiled out of PURE JOY and then turned around and cried at the drop of a hat OVER THE SAME THING in my Life… On a constant basis. Never.

She’s gone and I can’t believe that the cost of my dreams was her….when she was what I dreamed of finding. For some of you, that’s gonna sound a bit overboard. I see your posts about ‘not letting your happiness be defined by one person..” and such… Holla at me when you find that one person that makes you happy though despite them being VERY HUMAN. Holla at me when that person helps you bring OTHER FOLKS INTO THIS WORLD THAT DO MAKE YOU HAPPY and then they are gone…not here to help you raise them into the happy little people that you are GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE if the Lord sees fit for you to live long enough to do so.

Get at me then fam….. Let me see if you are STILL SAYING THAT THEN…. Let me see if you can still stand up straight and put one foot in front of the other.

(I think you can btw I just think that you will change your tune is all..)

Miss ya girl. Got some locks of your hair I have to spread around… You know that was my favorite reminder of you. Your hair. EVERYWHERE. In my car… embedded in my clothes.. sometimes my beard…Yeah.. gonna ‘mark territory’ for you and those who encounter it will just have to ‘understand’ or kick rocks with an open toe shoe on one…

*For those of you who didn’t ‘get that’, that was a SUBJECT of discussion in my house. Plain and simple. Why didn’t I share it when she was alive? What would you have REALLY DONE? Exactly….. dismissively waved it off. You can say ‘You should have told me…” but like many of the other things I DID SAY OR TRY TO POINT OUT, unless you saw the urgency…you wouldn’t have done anything. In hindsight, OF COURSE YOU WOULD but so many of you thought she was so ‘together’ that you couldn’t have even bought yourselves to fathom taking such things seriously. I did. I’ve packed my kids and MET THAT GAL ON THE HIGHWAY WITHOUT HER EVEN REALIZING UNDER THE GUISE OF GOING ‘TO THE STORE’. It was that real ’cause I could hear it in her voice.

You see how in these posts I keep repeating this same statement:

“A lot of what I used to do/how I acted/or how we moved through life will make a WHOLE LOT MORE SENSE TO YOU NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON”….

This is one of those things I was speaking about. I can say with certainty that ONLY one person really knew it was that serious. Knew that why I made sure I was around. Close by. Knew why I snapped about some things. Put a halt to others. Sacrificed what I did. Knew why SHE needed that kinda love that allowed her to be her to the fullest. Flaws and all.

Not that ‘nobody else deserves that’. We ALL DO. We are all special in our OWN RIGHT. It is about understanding that and how to apply it. I knew how to apply that theory when it came to her and the uniqueness that was her and her demons. That’s all.

** Every few weeks, someone on a social network (Twitter, Facebook) asks that one question that most of us who’ve never been married/fully committed/etc want to know..

“How did you KNOW THEY WERE THE ONE…”

That line is my answer. She was irreplaceable even with her flaws and she FELT AND EXPRESSED THAT SHE FELT THE SAME ABOUT ME EVEN WITH MY MANY FLAWS. I knew then.. yup… That line sums it perfectly for me. Not sure it will resonate the same with others nor am I saying it should be how ‘YOU FEEL’. That’s just my answer to the question…

Leave a Reply