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Walking The Walk With A Person Who Is walking THAT WALK..

As many of you know, my wife passed. Here is a peek into things.... More »

 

(Words) Constant Helplessness..the Aftermath….Summer…..vacations…..companionship….

 

 

 

 

*Sighs* Warm night…can’t sleep….Too hurt… too weak.. – Con Funk Shun Love’s Train..

 

Unfortunately, there’s no number I can dial..(You have to know the words to that song to fully get that line I suspect…who knows, it is in the music player’s library so….)

Can’t even walk into the other room to just look at her sleep. Which I used to do a lot. Just lay next to her. In her hair. There was PLENTY OF TIMES I WAS CUTTING UP WITH SOME OF YOU ON THE INTERNET AND I WAS LAYING RIGHT IN HER LAP or in her hair. Every once in a while,  she would peek over to see what I was laughing at and I’d share. She knew some of you by name without ever corresponding with you. We had a pretty unique relationship in that manner. I miss that. Among other things…

I spoke before in a post about ‘knowing this was going to end in a way that I didn’t want it to’ and I JUST KNEW THAT I WAS SOMEWHAT READY.

NAW… nowhere near ready for THIS PART OF IT. Probably the first part of the journey.. getting things started with our new life and such. This part here though? This CONSTANT MISSING HER FOR BEING HER? Naw… I think about all the times she got on my fucking nerves or I got on hers (subsequently ending up on her shit list) and I EVEN WANT HER HERE FOR THAT NOW. ‘Cause even when that happened, we got through it.

 

We grew from it.

We got stronger from it.

Well now there is only one person left to grow from the situation. To get stronger from it. One person who has to answer ‘all the questions’ burning in the minds of many in my care. To answer my own questions. To quell my own fears.

 

Of course the questions still remain…

Am I getting stronger?

Why do I HAVE TO GET STRONGER?

Why is this happening to my children and I?

Why didn’t I WAKE THE HELL UP SOONER?

Could I have saved her?

The six year old….just HOW AM I GONNA EXPLAIN TO HER AGAIN what happened when she starts asking the questions she HAS EVERY RIGHT TO ASK? (Well not so much ‘how’, the truth is what will be told..) Will that ‘truth’ BE ENOUGH? Hell, AM I ENOUGH?

Yes, I can only do ‘what I can’ and I definitely understand I’m doing pretty good with it. I have a full understanding that while I can ask those questions from above that I cannot STOP helping the children. So I ask my questions while in a ‘full stride’ if you will.

Just know that I have those same questions.

I hear you too…

 

“Ask God….Jehovah…whomever”…

 

What you think I been doing? Who do you think is there to put that hand in my back when I ‘lose my balance’?

 

When I WANT TO JUST BE LIKE ‘MAN I CAN’T…. I’m tired…”

Still doesn’t stop me from asking though. From feeling SEVERAL TYPES OF WAYS ABOUT SEVERAL DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF THE AFTERMATH OF HER DEATH.

Doesn’t stop things from ‘getting in my eyes’ when I see little things like that clone of Melissa I have walking around my house just STANDING THERE. Innocently  minding her business….going about her day..

Mannerisms of a young Melissa Jane… she is in the youngest too.

Doesn’t stop those same things from ‘getting in my eyes’, when I hear songs…old and new. Some that weren’t even out when she was here but that remind me IMMEDIATELY of her spirit. GOOD..BAD….INDIFFERENT..

Many of you have the decency to preface your comments to me with the ‘I can’t even imagine what you are going through..’ and I thank you for that.

SOMETIMES I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT IT IS I’M GOING THROUGH as I’m going through it. I thought I KNEW WHAT VIVIAN GREEN WAS ALLUDING TO on ‘Emotional Rollercoaster’ and I probably had a pretty good grasp on it before…

NOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE MEANT. TO A TEE. All the way down to the ‘unhealthy’ ways to love someone who can no longer love you back in the physical. Sure it is part of ‘dealing with it’ but my rational mind sticks its head out every once in a while and says ‘AYE YO…FUCK’S YOU DOING MAN? Stop that..”

Two sides of my brain fighting each other on this one. Each side accidentally arguing the OTHER SIDE’S POINTS way more times then not…

Imagine that shit there.. Fighting so hard to wrap your head around THE AFTERMATH of something that YOU ‘KNEW’. Where you can get the ‘why’ and everything. You KNOW WHY.

You watched it play out in front of you like some sort of surreal movie that you were co-starring in. Sometimes waiting for the director to yell ‘CUT!” but he/she never did…

Until on or around November 19th 2012.

Wanting to go back and re-shoot some scenes….

The ending not being what you wanted…

Like you didn’t read the ‘end of the script’…. Still holding your ‘lines’ in your hand…

Knowing that it wouldn’t really have mattered anyway if you re-shot every scene that the ending was gonna come in that way..

Knowing that when your co-star walked off set the first time that YOU KNEW the reasons why. It wasn’t ‘money’. It was about emotional turmoil but everybody thought she wanted the ‘more that they wanted for her’. Nope. She just wanted peace in her own mind.

Aight, enough with that analogy…..

How are the kids? That’s what the lot of you wanna know. If you ‘know the story’, then you follow me on Facebook or Instagram probably and saw that we finally got away for a bit. You’ve seen bits and pieces but they don’t tell the full story.

Going away with the two of them was DEFINITELY well worth it. I must preface this part with this simple tidbit about me. I USUALLY RUN TO THE CHALLENGING THINGS IN LIFE. I mean I had my wedding in Miami. If you know some things, you know that getting married there symbolized MANY THINGS. So I’m not one to shy away from places with emotional connections. I knew this trip would be no different. I also knew that was EXACTLY WHERE WE NEEDED TO GO.

Choosing Disney symbolized many things and bought back a flood of certain emotions that were unavoidable. We VACATIONED all over Florida with our kids like a lot of families do. We did that together. Orlando and its surrounding areas was a place that is FULL OF MEMORIES already.

Just BEING THERE HAD US IN OUR FEELINGS EARLY. We’d see stuff and immediately turn to say “Mommy/Jane there’s your favorite….”

“I know Momma would have loved….”

Even with that though, I tried to make sure our trip was unique in its own way. We had different accommodations this time. Stayed on Disney property. Ate at some different places. Saw some different things. All while still enjoying some of the staple things Jane would have made sure we enjoyed (and that the kids were accustomed to doing.)

To see the joy on their faces alone was worth it. There is no price tag I could put on that. I would blow a million dollars to make them feel that way again in a heartbeat. Without one second thought.

Therapy for the middle is going good. She’s finally talking about the days around her mother’s death. That’s all I say. Youngest is still matter of fact about things but we do talk about Mommy ALL THE TIME.

I have to address this next topic here. This might be the time for some of you to just go on ahead and close the post as she was y’alls ‘girl/cousin/friend/whatever’ and the MERE THOUGHT OF ME BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE or someone coming at me like that KINDA FREAKS YOU OUT…

 

First of all, I have to say that, as many of you have suspected, folks have been ‘coming at me’ from day one. She wasn’t even in the ground cold and yes, bids were being put in. I won’t name names but suffice to say that SOME OF YOU READING THIS KNOW WHO YOU ARE. *Looks at the camera*.

Second of all, THERE IS NO TIME PERIOD or scenario that involves me ‘HAVING ADULT COMPANIONSHIP’ that would satisfy all of you. There just isn’t. Somebody would ALWAYS DISAPPROVE. Let me gently remind SOME OF YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T APPROVE OF JANE AND I or even how we handled ‘us’.. . lmao…I haven’t forgotten that. The LAST FUCKING THING I’M WORRIED ABOUT OR GONNA WORRY ABOUT IS PLEASING YOU AS FAR AS A ‘TIME PERIOD’. FOH. You can’t stop your friends from doing things ’cause YOU feel some type of way. Trust me. They work around you. I’ve seen it. You defending Jane’s honor is admirable. Really it is. I can respect it. I’m gonna do what I want though….Always have.

Just so we are clear though…

I’m brokenhearted over here. Not dead but brokenhearted. Never could I really say that has happened. Sure, I’ve been ‘upset’ about relationships ending but this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Totally different. This shit sucks to put it bluntly. Nothing I can do. I can’t ‘go see her and work it out’. Hope that she calls. There are no second chances.

I can’t do anything. I literally just have to ‘deal with it’.

As far as ‘starting over’…..

There are definitely parts of me who wants….

Then there are parts of me that never wants to give ‘that’ to anyone again….

I suspect that will be par for the course. My apologies to anyone in advance that gets hurt by that. Pretty upfront about that though.

Is it too soon? Not too soon? Y’all ought to stop. You don’t know. Only I will know. In the meantime,  I’m gonna do WHAT I WANNA DO…WHEN I WANNA DO IT. HOW I WANNA DO IT. Nothing you can do except whisper about it…

To the person who said that I was ‘making it hard to even be their friend’ I will say this..

-_-

You know who you are. Then don’t. You’ve been a wonderful friend up until now but if this is where you want to get off the ride…jump. I can’t change how I feel, don’t feel or how I’m dealing with this for you. Intentions aren’t to be an ass or to hurt you but YOU KNEW WHAT IT WAS. Do what you need to do.

I am.

The words are called patience and understanding. I know some of you want what you want but…..

…..we all can’t have what we want now can we?

Luckily, this experience hasn’t dimmed the light on the caring person that I am.

Let me just say this too while I’m on the subject. There is NOTHING LIKE A GROWN WOMAN BID when it is put in properly. No brag-O either. Credit to those of you who seem to know HOW TO PUT YOUR BID IN. Very flattering.

Still not gonna make me do ANYTHING BEFORE I’M READY but it is appreciated.

Oh and ‘young gal’…I told you understood. Fly. Spread them wings. I’m not here to clip ‘em. Trust me. I suspect it is the comp that has you over there like you are though and not that ‘confinement’. Welcome to Big Girl land. :) That’s all I can say.

 

Does this answer some of y’alls questions about ‘me’ in that regard? Good. “Cause that’s all you are getting….Do with it what you will.  @ the info.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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